He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
