I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
