I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
