if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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