allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
