Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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