When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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