So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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