That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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