hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
