i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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