spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
