Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
