Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
