yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
