True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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