I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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