girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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