Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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