hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
