the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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