Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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