I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
