How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
