u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
