I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
