I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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