You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Come see our sink grown plant.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
