I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
