I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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