Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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