Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
