I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
