i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman