I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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