it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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