There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
