He uses pillows to masturbate.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
