U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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