remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
