He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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