you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
