the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
