I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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