Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
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Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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