so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
