Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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