The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
