im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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