RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
