we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
nutella sex= disaster
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's blow job season.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
