Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Randomize
