Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
