Don't make out with my wife yet
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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