You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
