This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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