I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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